Police Called After Man Butchers Cow in His Driveway
September 8th, 2011A man takes sane action and hordes of bureaucrats deliberate the many “possibilities” of charges he should face.
Disclosure: We have our cows slaughtered in our driveway.
Via: Standard Examiner:
Charges may ensue for an Ogden man who startled the neighbors by butchering a cow in his driveway over the weekend.
Police were called to the scene at 1:44 p.m. Sunday after the cow’s owner began harvesting the animal. A patrolman was responding to a caller who saw a cow being trailered to the home in the 2700 block of Gramercy Avenue.
The caller then reported hearing the cow’s audible mooing, followed by what sounded like a gunshot, said Police Lt. Troy Burnett. Then the mooing stopped.
The patrolman’s report said when he arrived at the scene a half-block above Monroe Boulevard, “the cow was in the process of losing its head,” Burnett said.
The man sawing at the animal’s neck, the owner of the beef, denied shooting the cow on the premises, telling the officer the animal had been dispatched outside the city limits.
The officer took the information and filed a report that will be screened by the city attorney’s office for possible charges, Burnett said.
“I assume the patrolman had them make arrangements to do the butchering out of plain view,” he said.
“It boggles my mind,” Burnett said. “It’s not illegal, but it’s absurd that people would think slaughtering a cow in their driveway is OK. Maybe on the west side of the county on one of the farms. But in the middle of a high density residential area?”
If evidence confirms the person shot the cow on-site, a charge could be filed of discharging a firearm within the city limits, he said.
Other possible violations could include disorderly conduct or health code violations, he said, the latter question which will be referred to the Weber-Morgan Health Department.
The family reporting the unusual bovine demise called their children indoors before calling police, suspecting something unusual taking place, Burnett said.
If any children had witnessed the butchering, and become upset, that could possibly constitute disorderly conduct, said Burnett and Mike Junk, Ogden city’s senior prosecutor.
Junk said disorderly conduct includes language of behavior creating “public inconvenience, annoyance or alarm.”
Junk said he hadn’t been forwarded the case yet as of Tuesday, but said his review would also include the state’s animal cruelty statute. “There are a lot of possibilities.”
“Oh please, oh please, oh please!” cried the distraught parents of the Lemming family in unison, directly into the glowing mouthpiece of the ancient telecommer hanging from the wall deep within the safe confines of their family impact shelter.
“Protect us from that horrible man! People who know how to DO and MAKE things using the old-fashioned ways are very, very dangerous! I know, because our Programming Supervisor told us that Incisors can’t ever be trusted, because you never know what people who aren’t afraid of the evil blood and dirt and feces might do…”
“…alright, we’ll send a drone over your area and see what we can do about the situation,” said the soothingly androgynous voice on the other end of the connection, it’s complete lack of regional accent revealing only to those still outside the great urban ringwalls it’s silicon origins.
Even in his slaughtering apron, Henry heard the drone coming before nearly ten seconds before it passed overhead. The machines could stealth the radar image of the newly developed generation of flying HK’s, but they still hadn’t found a way to repeal the nature of sound and wavelength.
Hastily rolling up the handcrafted meter of leather sheet that protected the rare and precious tools of his dying trade, he turned on his heel and ran as fast as his aging legs would carry him beneath the shelter of the old house’s front porch awning — before the machine had a chance to turn around.
“No point in giving the thing an easy shot”, Henry thought to himself as he fumbled in his satchel for the ancient military cloaking device that had saved his sorry skin more times than he could remember since the day the fire rained down and changed his world — our world — forever.
“Hmmm, battery’s almost dead”, he mumbled under his breath, surveying the situation as precious seconds ticked past and settled on a plan of action. Now that the old house was no longer a safe hideout, thanks to the pale freaks surely hiding out in a bunker under the ramshackle woodframe across the street.
Knowing all too well that his next move was to flee, a part of him still wanted to avenge the loss of all that REAL meat hanging from the heaviest branch of a huge maple tree that had long since declared ownership of this stretch of former residential street.
Knowing he would never rescue the priceless flesh still glistening with fresh blood in the hot afternoon sun, his powerful instinct for self-preservation battled his desire for revenge. Bright eyes sparkled as a plan took shape in his mind’s eye.
Those plastic eaters in their pitiful hole in the ground would feel his wrath. And Henry would take pity on them the only way he knew how after so many years on the run: he would eliminate them.